It happened, and she

It happened.
It happened to her.
It happened to her and we are all here.
It happened in the middle of the night.
She was happy and well.
He arrived and he was beautiful.
She left us.
It was cloudy when the sun rose.
It rained and was gray.
The sun went down and rose again.
It happened.

It happened to him.
He was with her and then he wasn’t.
He loved her and waited.
It happened and it was shocking.
It cast a strange light.
Dark and glowing, her name sounded new and the same.
Dark and glowing, how everything changed that remained.

It happened to us.
There are many of us, and we loved her.
Some of us were waiting for her before she arrived.
Some of us waited a long time and were excited.
She was born.
She cried and smiled.
Her voice took shape and it was the clear sky at noon.
Some of us watched her grow.
Some of us knew her later.
We wrestled and studied and shared things with her.
We took walks and ate food together.
We played and sang.
We delighted in her.
It happened.
We all called her name.

She slept as straight as a starling pinion in her bed.
She savored the good things.
She told stories and fell asleep at movies.
She came home each day.
She laughed and her laughter was the brightest lily.
She gazed at us with clear, dark eyes.
She startled at the gorgeous dawn.
She sewed and painted and planted.
She made things with her hands. Her fingers were smooth and long.
She cooked and touched and comforted.
She spoke the truth and it was gentle.
She helped children and friends.
She helped neighbors.
She helped everyone she knew.
She helped and in her helping she loved.
She loved quietly.
She loved without demand.
She loved with all of herself.

for Peggy Jin Thrash (nee Chung)
April 13, 1977 — August 1, 2013

Not one, but many. All and more.

t-party

My sister, an actor and writer, invited me to go see Natsu Onoda Power’s newest work, “The T-Party.” Here’s a pretty good description from the Washington Post, which reviewed the show.

I was a tiny bit familiar with Onoda Power’s work previously, since she directed Young Jean Lee’s play “Songs of the Dragons Flying to Heaven,” which went up at Studio Theatre a few years back. My sister was cast in that production. She’s the one in the middle.

Studio Theatre-Songs of the Dragons Flying to Heaven 9-28-10That play deserves its own post, btw. I’ll try and do more posts about the DC Asian American theater scene.

Onoda Power is brilliant. Last year, she put up a show called “Astro Boy and the God of Comics,” which I TEAR MY HAIR for missing. SOB.

“The T-Party” opens with a series of smaller parties–a karaoke party, a birthday party, (the bridal shower wasn’t running last night)–to which you receive an invitation from a cast member. These parties take place in different parts of the theater. I attended the karaoke party, where we were all asked/invited to sing various songs that explored gender play (eg Kate Perry’s “I kissed a girl” and Aerosmith’s “Dude looks like a lady”).

After these mini parties, we were ushered into the theater, which was a Prom. Some of the cast, in eveningwear, were dancing, and audience members were invited to dance as well. There were a few staged interactions (a fight between a man and a woman over the fact that the woman was enjoying dancing with another woman) before the Prom Queen and King were announced. The Queen was trans, and when she came up to accept her sash, she gave a short speech on how bittersweet it was to win this award, given all the hardships she’d endured at high school. She described how there are some people who possibly voted for her in order to mock her. She elegantly refused the sash.

This short scene was a wake up call that we weren’t entering a gender-queer utopia.

What followed were a series of vignettes that made smart use of dance, story-telling, sound and music, all of which ran me through a whole gamut of emotions. They explored the various experiences of trans and queer identities, ultimately advocating for their plurality, beauty, and difficulty.

My favorite scenes were a dramatic reading of a scholarly summary of dolphin sexual habits, a live music video about a lost unicorn, a lesbian coming out story set to a tango, and a staged blog post. I loved how these various stories got at the diversity of experiences that are grouped together under the banner of “trans” or “queer,” and how challenging it can be for those who move within this community to relate to each other, given those differences. We’re all different. Our differences can lead us to misunderstand and hurt each other or ourselves. But we can still find ways to be together. We have to be creative. We need to be open. I loved this show.  I loved the variety of bodies that were performing. I loved the range of talents they all brought with them. There were some incredible singers, poets, and dancers. The boundaries between their lives and the production’s narratives was porous. We were all invited to be on stage, so to speak.

I was especially touched by the incredible humor that this production exhibited. Humor is a powerful tool. I don’t know how to access it myself, but I love seeing it. It reflects the absurdity of our condition so beautifully. It’s one of our most powerful responses to pain and hatred.

All of this has me thinking about my little craft, the sometimes hermetic world of experimental writing that I dwell in. I love poetry. I love writing. I love how it can transform thought. I love the way it challenges and moves me. I also struggle with how it can reach more people.

My mother, for example, is a native Korean speaker. She’s an incredible communicator, but her English is definitely non-standard, and she’s not a confident  reader. My siblings do a lot of translating and explaining for her when it comes to texts or forms, things like that. She’s always been supportive of my efforts as a writer. She’s been to a few readings of mine and has my books. But I know that she experiences the work quite differently because of our language barrier.

I’d like to make something that my mother can encounter and relate to. I’ve been designing some new work towards this end. I’ve been incorporating more images in my poetry over the years, but I’m also thinking about performance and the Korean language, etc etc. I recently performed a dance at a reading I gave in Philadelphia. My mother designed and fabricated the dress I wore, and my ex covered it in calligraphy.

Salpuri SJL1

So much of my work emerges out my experiences with my family and where I came from, but so little of it is accessible to them. We’re different, but I want us to breach those things and come to a new understanding. We are not one, but many. I want us to have all, more.

The Madness of “Race”

I am a big Radiolab fan. If you aren’t familiar with them, RUN TO THEIR WEBSITE AND LISTEN TO THEIR PODCASTS.

They recently had two podcasts that blew my mind. The first one explored the backstory to a recent Supreme Court case — Adoptive Couple vs Baby Girl. Essentially, a young woman got pregnant and the father elected to sign away his parental rights. She decided to adopt out the baby, whom the birth dad never met. However, once the baby was adopted and being raised by a new family, the birth father was able to successfully sue for full custody. As a native American — an enrolled Cherokee — the birth father had special privileges under the Indian Child Welfare Act, which trumped the adopted couple’s rights … There are more nuances and details — go listen to the podcast!! — that I won’t get into.

No matter how the court ruled, I couldn’t imagine a clear “win” for anyone. One family was going to be royally f’d. But the case also had major implications for how race operates in relation to the law. Natives have special rights — their relationship to the land due to their indigeneity marks them differently within dominant racial structures. ((btw, one of my best friends, a native, always tells me that as a “race” person, I just don’t understand some things. And that is true. “Race” is a foundational structure in the social paradigm I grew up with and continue to operate within.))

The second podcast followed up with a response to the Supreme Court’s ruling and its implications for the Indian Child Welfare Act, the child, and the families that were involved. The court ruled in favor of the adoptive couple, but also in a very very narrow fashion that left the ICWA mostly in place.

However, what struck me about the second podcast (and what motivated me to write this post), was Radiolab’s decision to air the followup to the case with another story. This second story featured a family in Mississippi whose experiences directly illustrate the social fiction of race. The family is considered “black” though everyone in it can pass for “white.” The two adult daughters have chosen different affiliations. One considers herself white, whereas the other considers herself black. Intriguingly, the mother calls herself a “negro,” rather than “black” — more later about what I feel are the implications of this appellation.

I LOVE the fact that Radiolab aired the two stories together. I think it’s BRILLIANT for how they so ably demonstrate the inherent illogic and irrationality of “race” as a scheme for categorizing people. The family is “black” because everything about the community where they live has enforced social perceptions of their blackness. It’s fascinating. The daughter that has chosen to pass as white — Ally — described her transformation. And it really was as simple as a change of dress and *most particularly* of ATTITUDE. She became white because she insisted upon it and made friends with folks who believed her.

Blood quantas are still applied as a rubric for determining indigeneity. Baby Veronica is something like “1.2%” Cherokee. Though the court ruled in favor of the adoptive family, they did not recategorize baby Veronica’s Cherokee-ness. The family in Mississippi similarly has a very minor quanta of “Negro.” I’m not even sure how far back in their ancestry you’d have to go to find Africans. But this perceived quanta, however tiny, was the basis for the family’s recognizability and categorization as black.

There’s been a LOT of race talk in the national media, thanks to the George Zimmerman case and the Paula Deen debacle. I won’t even get into those.

However, I think that all these things taken together help illustrate two things: Firstly, the FICTION OF RACE is incredibly powerful. It’s a narrative, a social projection, that we continue to hold onto. How does one apportion out “blood” or bodies in terms of percentages, anyway?? Biology simply doesn’t work like that. It demonstrates that race is actually cultural, though we continue to imagine it is somehow fundamentally biological. The fact that the southern family identifies and therefore operates as black illustrates this. Yet, the fiction of race’s POWER lies in how it muddies these distinctions while simultaneously stabilizing itself as something it is not.

Secondly, these podcasts help illustrate that as a fiction, race is ultimately a TECHNOLOGY FOR SUBJECTION AND OPPRESSION. Subjection refers to the social processes that make a person legible or recognizable to the state. In the US, race is a primary — if not dominant — way we are visible to others. Wow, is that evident with those two southern daughters. And listening to Ally’s experiences growing up “black” before she elected to become white is heartbreaking because of the *utter* ridiculousness of it. I am not calling her suffering, or her sister’s suffering, ridiculous. The REASON for their mistreatment is beyond absurd. Dr. Seuss’s Sneetches came to mind. And just because the Cherokee father had certain rights within the purview of the ICWA doesn’t mean that his Cherokee-ness is a social “advantage.” Take a look at the history books. To be racially subjected is NEVER a good thing. That’s why “white” folks hold all the privilege. In this paradigm, they don’t have a “race.” I hope it’s clear, though, that “whiteness” is as much a racial fiction as anything else is in the race paradigm. It’s just the one that wins.

OH — about the way the mother in the family used “Negro” — I was struck by that, because it gets at the cultural foundation of blackness, I feel. It’s not about a visual or otherwise “racial” marker (race is usually imagined as skindeep AND penetrative). It’s an interesting term. It’s outdatedness points to its relationship to history in a way that “blackness” doesn’t. I think that woman is very smart to use that term. It’s a nuance.

There are like a thousand people who have written more intelligently and ably about all this stuff, but I thought these two podcasts were so incredibly illustrative. If you have the chance, please go listen to them.

I win a Pew Fellowship and the sun will now speak my name with Futurepoem

Though the sun was relatively quiet this month, June began full of immense, storming, flood-of-light surprises for me. I was contacted by Jennifer Tamayo of Futurepoem and told that my manuscript, SOLAR MAXIMUM, was selected for publication! My book will be printed along with David Buuck’s new work, Site Cite City, as part of their next lineup in 2014. I cannot believe I get to join Rachel Levitsky, Marcella Durand, Shanxing Wang, Jill Magi, Camille Roy, Ronaldo Wilson, my former classmate Noah Eli Gordon, and SO MANY OTHER AMAZING AUTHORS, as part of the Futurepoem universe.

I’m especially thrilled that this manuscript, which tries to imagine the end of time, a speculative future, is with FUTUREpoem. It’s incredible.

A few days later, I also received the news that I had won a Pew Fellowship in the Arts. Up to twelve artists are selected each year for this award, and I have the especial honor of winning along with three other amazing Philadelphia authors–Frank Sherlock, Jenn McCreary, and Emily Abendroth. HOLY COW. Previous winners include CA Conrad, Kevin Varrone, Pattie McCarthy, Linh Dinh, Rachel Blau DuPlessis, Jena Osman, Ron Silliman… The immense outpouring of cheers, friendship, and general Philadelphia poetry pride, has been amazing. I’d always felt that the poetry community was like a different type of family. I’m part of this huge tribe. I’m so happy to be a member.

I was thinking about dragons and snakes, dragons and snakes. I wrote about them a bit earlier. These things are coming true, I think.

This spring, I was mournful. Many things felt like they were closing inside of me. I was learning to give up on older dreams, feeling them dissipate into the air like a breath. I used to want to bear children and start a family. The reality is, I don’t think this will be the case. Certainly not as I had once envisioned it for myself. However, such desires and others still inhabit my body. I move to exorcise them. I want to be new.

I blew my life up a year ago. Everything went into the sky. I learned to inhabit its limit, without threat, by taking shelter inside my bones. I was small but not alone. Now I feel everything is plummeting into the ground, like meteoric projections. Where will these things land? How far will they take me? What is the magnitude by which I dare expand?

Debrah Morkun offered me my horoscope according to an alternative calendar. She told me I was a Blue Magnetic Storm.

This was the sun on my birthday.

SunJune11

 

oh to see, seethe or set aright —

(I had a name. It once blossomed on a pond

and the old darkness — what of it

does it know how I tilt inside

in that spawning quiet storm

 

 

from The Orphan: A BROKEN LINK IN A CHAIN

North Korean propaganda reveals “the orphan to be the national symbol of North Korea, the figure, it seems, most capable of being revolutionary.  After all, just as the orphan is a broken link in a chain, so revolutions seek to create a radical break with history.”
Clare Callahan, Duke U. Human Rights Archive

This pains me to read. My father, my mother, the various people I loved — they have had written into their spirits this un-requitable break. Reft from ancestors, family, homelands, and languages, these orphans have populated my spirit. They have cut and swung out at each other, at themselves, in the way they reached for that space inside them which caved in. I swell with their novel vacuity, their bright, mourning eyes of impenetrable isolation.

There’s nothing romantic about an orphan. They are quiet — yes — because they no longer hunger; they dwell interminably at a loss. They move but everywhere they go remains for them the same. An isolation. A dystrophy.

Where’s the whip that lashes at this throat of history? The torn throat that fails to sing. To break from, to swallow without enunciating. To turn aside in the dust and moan.

I am going to have terrible, consequential dreams.

***

am I prepared

No beginnings as all beginnings. The greatest beginnings. To sow in flames.

How the body bleeds. To staunch a wound — is fire the only salve?

When you burn yourself, the body holds the heat inside for days. Oh that blistersome heat. It scorches, even after the ice packs, cold compresses, the gauzy salves or pursed lips in their loving, cooing administrations. To feel a sun press through you in the middle of the night. To have it murmur against your body while you turn in your sheets, the windows wide open and crickets churning in the grass. Let. Me. Sleep.

to ride a hysterical horse into the sea

He lifted up his shirt. Fat, bubbly blisters like plastic packaging populated and pocked his back. You need to go the hospital immediately. The largest were as big as quarters. I don’t know how it happened. I want to cry at how they softly–so quietly–cling like gossamer barnacles to his skin. My hand coils tight against my side. Suddenly, I can’t breathe.

The Delusion of “Post-Race”

This term gets floated around a lot. Post-race. Post-racial. It’s clearly a reactionary term. To actually believe in it as a fundamental standpoint is totally ludicrous.

It’s on my mind at the moment because I just read Amiri Baraka’s excoriating response to the anthology Angles of Ascent: A Norton Anthology of Contemporary African American LIterature. Baraka essentially points to the delusion inherent in trying to erase an entire sector of lived experience for somehow harming or reducing the artistic merit of work produced by non-white artists. I say non-white because only “white” artists are allowed be “free” from history and society. “Whiteness” doesn’t have a “history.” That’s why it tries to destroy everyone else’s. But that is a blog post for another day.

POST-RACE only exists when “race” ceases to operate as a structural framework for exclusion, limitation, and oppression. To pretend it doesn’t have power doesn’t make it go away. Artists often turn to the aesthetic or formal as a way of distancing themselves from the social and material, which I personally think is delusional. Ignoring your body doesn’t make it go away. It makes it wither and sicken.

I call race a consensual fiction, but that DOESN’T mean that I think the way to transform it is to ignore it. I call it a consensual fiction because the differences that “race” brings into legibility actually aren’t fundamental differences at all.

Baraka is a spitfire intellectual who has provoked on many occasions. I, for one, am a fan.

As an “Asian American” author, these sorts of questions are always on my mind. To be “Asian American” is always a question of being. HOW am I what I am being right now? This is a constant negotiation between me, my environment, and my social context. History runs through and around me always. I am never just “me.” How to channel all these things into something fundamentally different is my constant challenge.

I love poetry for how it can model alternatives in thought. To read a poem is to have your brain potentially rewired. As a social phenomenon, though, poetry also exhibits society’s best and worst symptoms. These sorts of debates — of grouping and privileging, of distancing and differentiating — these are power plays.

Let’s be Real. Actual. True.

Daybook: tracing global reverberations

Since February, I’ve been trying to track how the circulating rhetoric between North Korea, the US, and South Korea echoes across the globe to shake even my spirit. Back in February, the DPRK tested another nuclear device and started “saber rattling” in preparation for the ROK/US joint military exercises scheduled in March. I find so many intriguing circuits in this love/longing/fear dance between North/South // East/West. In Underground National, I likened this dance to a dysfunctional love affair.

This new effort, tentatively called Daybook, extends and explores this psychological framework for thinking about these geopolitics. It’s very personal writing, though others may not see it as such. I’m not certain what to call this mode. Perhaps a psycho-geopolitical poetics. Personally, I situate my failed marriage, so many domestic troubles I’ve seen and lived through, in these geopolitical cross-currents, the multi-generational legacies of cultural traumas. I’m trying to understand this dilemma — of bodies and landscapes — through my body. Through language. I’m trying to set myself free. An impossibility. Can I enumerate.

Be black light, Juliette. Furling.
Be a rupture, no cirrus.
Be that torn antler stranded in the snow,
bony finger pointing to the sky. See.
Be that word. Be elsewhere, a presence.
Magnanimous and difficult.
Can you remain.

This writing is a challenge for me, since I’ve never had anything like a “daily” practice.

I don’t know what I’m making. It often aches in the center of my body, where my stomach nestles up against my spine, like a coal there. This project makes me feel small and strangely diaphanous, overwritten, consumed.

**********

from the salient fact repeated early (4/19

We never respond as we should
with comical results
explain educate acknowledge ((frequently
inaction // action

I don’t know for sure
that lack of knowledge
has         “low reliability”
no one agrees

*

already the end?
did it ever begin?

pass
pass on
pass over
pass by
pass the time away
so much to be done
not all of it interesting

rain on lens drab & gray pine barren & downs

20130421-111726.jpg

Remapping Terror

The recent news flash that the Boston bombers were from Chechnya came as a surprise to a public primed — in some cases salivating for — brown Muslim jihadists. It’s fascinating to watch this new spatialization of terror, race, and national identity swerve and reconstitute itself in order to now account for these two men. Some news reports describe these men as being from Central Asia. This description interests me.

What are the outer limits for “Asia”? If Chechnya is now at its center and Japan at its Far East, does that not make Europe western Asia? The myth of continents rears its head.

By describing their Central Asian origins, these reports ensnare these men in geopolitical discourses of otherness. Can one be Muslim and “white”? I doubt it.

Precrime

The thought you held inside your body — manifested in that quick flutter or way your hips stiffened as you walked up the street — are you to be culpable now for even that.

How can we predict a behavior. I think of the larger cultural sub-programs operating through me — a ray of black light, furling along the central column of my spine. It has a tensile strength. That is hardly a home. Some habits I seek to translate into language, catch it phrase by phrase and render it seen.

Are habits always destinies. Are patterns always predictions.

Am I also my future, all that is yet and else. Is that me, too.

And what of the men whose spirits called out, who reached for guns and took shelter among friends. Can we see inside their bodies with such certainty. Is terror housed in an angry fist or the nameless bolt that falls down from the sky.

To sign off. To sign. To mark through your body. To strike it down, through. A name I wrote on the page. This trace of a body, flattened and captured. Sent such distances.

Can I survey murder in your heart?
Can I survey murder in your body?
Can I survey murder in your name?
Can I survey murder in your movements?

Can I know the future in a gesture.
Can I know the future in a signature.