I wrote this a while ago and had it published last month. I experienced a miscarriage. It’s a fairly common occurrence–20% of all pregnancies end in one–but I found it incredibly devastating. As do thousands of others. I shared this in a personal essay at Entropy Magazine–to help dissipate grief, to shine a light, to feel differently about the experience, to understand.
I’ve gotten a lot of responses from readers and others who have experienced this, and I’m glad I shared. I’m glad they reached back out to me. I’m glad we have this other space that we share together, even if it is covered with clouds. This was my first personal essay–and it was such an intimate one–and so I had some trepidation before it went to print. When I quieted myself to find out what was really speaking in me, I only heard my spirit say, Print it. Print it. Print. it. Because what happened was maybe personal, but also not mine. I feel like it happened for so many of us–so even if I was speaking from an intensely personal event, I also wasn’t. I was speaking about a human one.
I hug my partner. I hug my publisher. I hug the phantom never-child that has evaporated into day. And now, several months after the smallest calamity, I can begin to feel some happiness again.